The Breaking Down

One month ago, at around this time, I remember that I had locked myself up in my bathroom and I was crying. That was my breaking down.

In our lives, we have a series of “breaking downs.” It’s that time when everything feels impossible amd everyone just doesn’t seem to understand. It’s that time in our lives where we are a cliff’s edge away from falling and never getting back. God, it was the worst time in my life. And to know that I will probably have more, makes me feel so horrible.

But I have realized that it is after these breaking downs that we truly begin to find ourselves. That we truly ever get back when we have fallen down.

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The last two months of my life have been very scary. I wasted my summer break trying to learn Italian (I haven’t really gotten a headstart there) and because of my OCD I couldn’t focus on anything except learning Italian and I didn’t study at all. I have my midterms right after my summer break (I go to an Indian school so the system over there is a lot different than American or IB schools). Well, so I didn’t study and when my school started, it was like I got hit by a Rollercoaster. I realized how much I had left to do and how little time I had. That’s when I began to break. It was all downhill from that point.

I cried because I felt that I could never complete my syllabus in a mere five days that I had left before my midterms started. In my darkest moments I even considered picking up my school scissors and cutting my wrist. (I didn’t go through with this, of course.)

I have always been a straight A student. My parents, my friends and even my teachers expect a lot from me. Not to mention my cousin back in India, who are acing all their tests, would ridicule me if I got any less than a 9.8 out my 10 GPA.

I knew I had to start studying hard. And I did. I completely forgot about the pull of my OCD that had constantly kept on telling me throughout my summer break to do nothing else but pointlessly study Italian. I forgot about it and I studied. I didn’t even realize that my OCD had stopped troubling me until a few days ago, after the toughest of my exams were over.

Now I am sitting relaxed on my bed, knowing that I have a full week to study for world history and English literature (Two subjects that I enjoy a lot). I am the most happiest I have been for the past two to three months.

It is such a wonderful feeling to know that you have a lot more control over your OCD than you thought you did. I may not have completly lost my obsessive cumpulsive disorder, but I sure have learnt how to suppress it.

My breaking down brought so much more than stressed, long, sleepless nights and tiny, sporadic panic attacks.

It struck like an epiphany: nothing good ever lasts but something good ALWAYS comes out of the bad.

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2 thoughts on “The Breaking Down

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