One month ago, at around this time, I remember that I had locked myself up in my bathroom and I was crying. That was my breaking down.
In our lives, we have a series of “breaking downs.” It’s that time when everything feels impossible amd everyone just doesn’t seem to understand. It’s that time in our lives where we are a cliff’s edge away from falling and never getting back. God, it was the worst time in my life. And to know that I will probably have more, makes me feel so horrible.
But I have realized that it is after these breaking downs that we truly begin to find ourselves. That we truly ever get back when we have fallen down.
The last two months of my life have been very scary. I wasted my summer break trying to learn Italian (I haven’t really gotten a headstart there) and because of my OCD I couldn’t focus on anything except learning Italian and I didn’t study at all. I have my midterms right after my summer break (I go to an Indian school so the system over there is a lot different than American or IB schools). Well, so I didn’t study and when my school started, it was like I got hit by a Rollercoaster. I realized how much I had left to do and how little time I had. That’s when I began to break. It was all downhill from that point.
I cried because I felt that I could never complete my syllabus in a mere five days that I had left before my midterms started. In my darkest moments I even considered picking up my school scissors and cutting my wrist. (I didn’t go through with this, of course.)
I have always been a straight A student. My parents, my friends and even my teachers expect a lot from me. Not to mention my cousin back in India, who are acing all their tests, would ridicule me if I got any less than a 9.8 out my 10 GPA.
I knew I had to start studying hard. And I did. I completely forgot about the pull of my OCD that had constantly kept on telling me throughout my summer break to do nothing else but pointlessly study Italian. I forgot about it and I studied. I didn’t even realize that my OCD had stopped troubling me until a few days ago, after the toughest of my exams were over.
Now I am sitting relaxed on my bed, knowing that I have a full week to study for world history and English literature (Two subjects that I enjoy a lot). I am the most happiest I have been for the past two to three months.
It is such a wonderful feeling to know that you have a lot more control over your OCD than you thought you did. I may not have completly lost my obsessive cumpulsive disorder, but I sure have learnt how to suppress it.
My breaking down brought so much more than stressed, long, sleepless nights and tiny, sporadic panic attacks.
It struck like an epiphany: nothing good ever lasts but something good ALWAYS comes out of the bad.